Wednesday, April 10, 2002

tantrums over shoes

there are certain times in our lives where you just need reassurance. whether it be an old friend or a family member or even writing them into a blog to put on your web site so that your thoughts are out there in the great unknown. just words on page really. I'll be the first one to admit that i was not the nicest of all the girls in high school. some would even say i was a huge bitch. and i know that is not too far from the truth. i don't think that high school is a useful tool for judging one's character. with all the hormones and confusion, i completely understand now what i was feeling then. not to say that i can relate to any of the kids that are in high school, because i honestly think that in five years a lot can change. but thats an entirely separate entry. although i wasn't the nicest person back then, i think that i have changed a lot over the past five years. not to say that it has been all that easy...i mean every once in a while that sixteen year old girl comes out and starts throwing temper tantrums about how she has to be able to return the pair of shoes. but i never apologized to people that i may have hurt. and thinking about it now, i still wont apologize for my actions. not to say that they were justified. but i think that instead of apologizing and saying the words that people have come to take for granted, i put my apologies into actions. and i became a nicer person. my patience is another step that i have to work on. i think that because i have become a nicer person, i feel more of a need for this reassurance from others. and i have to say that i hate that about myself now. i mean, i kind of feel like i have regressed. i feel like i was once this strong-take-no-shit-from-anyone(and I MEAN ANYONE) girl into this young woman who is searching for acceptance into the places that she once thumbed her nose at. aim not talking about trendy bars or up-tight restaurants, but i mean the people that surround me in my life. and even the ones who just pass in and out. i think that right now is one of those times where my words have to go into the great unknown so that i can feel the reassurance that i am so searching for right now. i need to know that at the end of the day that everything will be okay. sometimes i just wish that i was stupid so that i never had the capability to analyze things a billion times over.